Well Hello There!!! I know I know it's been a while...too long in fact and I do apologize for cutting my blog off cold turkey. From the texts, conversations in person, emails, and Grindr messages, I felt like I did everyone a disservice from stopping my weekly posts over a year ago. First things first...let's just clear some shit up shall we? I have been asked/ordered to explain to you that this blog is for entertainment purposes only. And rather than tell you all the reasons you should not take this blog seriously I figured I'd present two pictures that will cover all the bases:
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| We good? Good! |
I see there are a few hands from the audience...questions?
"Yes! Why did you leave Arizona?"
Fantastic question! You'll have to read the book for the answer
next question
"Why did you stop the blog after you left?"
Legal reasons, ones that will be explained in the book
you in the back, I think we worked at Hale Reservation together...
"Why today to relaunch your blog?"
Well, for one thing it's Earth Day (shout out to the Earth) for another reason please see the above two questions.
Yes you, the stranger who found out about my blog from my friend and laughs hysterically at her cubicle hoping no one will notice?
"I've seen you post blogs on FaceBook before, what are those?"
I write a blog every week as part of my job. The blogs you have seen are so sugar coated that Willy Wonka could sell them and give children diabetes. It's so watered down that if it were New Orleans, FEMA wouldn't drop it food. They are actually edited for content...like when you watch Sex And The City on basic cable and Samantha keeps saying how many socks she had last week. And while I do appreciate someone taking the time to edit my spelling mistakes, grammar murder, and other technical errors, this blog is 100% me. I'm not saying don't read my other blog, but don't expect to fall off your seat laughing. Not to mention the picture used makes me look like I have 45 extra pairs of chromosomes.
ok, we have time for one more question...yes in the back wearing a too small for you t-shirt...
"Aren't you worried people won't read your blog now?"
To be honest, I started writing this damn thing because it was cathartic for me and cheaper than weekly therapy. I really don't care who reads, what they think of it or me for that matter. I love that people actually care enough to read these words and that alone is cause enough for me to give you 3 minutes a week to forget about YOUR crazy life, and read about mine :) To the people who have made it clear you think I "fell off" or "am over" I don't write this for you. To be honest, I don't do anything for you. I write this for the people at bars I meet, the friends of friends of friends who only know me for this blog, and for the 22,000+ weekly readers who love this crazy shit.
Yes, shit went DOWN in Arizona. And yes, I could not/cannot yet comment on what that shit was but TRUST ME...the book will be well worth it...if ONLY for the Debbie Chronicles (the chapters in my book dedicated to the fabulously crazy woman who birthed me)
Let's forget about the past for a second shall we and focus on the now and where/what/who I've been doing for the past year.
For the record, this blog has never been about my "job". I don't write solely about work because well...I need a paycheck. Lucky for me, this blog is now a paycheck. I will sometimes reference things that have to with work events but no so much the people. Unlike Arizona where I never accepted anyone's FB requests because they were all clinically insane, my current job has a myriad of employees actively stalking this blog for a name mention. Fear not...I'll save you all for the book too. ;)
Oh, did I mention I was writing a book? Yup, while I was banned from "blogs" "posts" and "real time social media" about anything work related my amazing legal team made sure that in the event of a published work by me, any/all statues do not apply. I can just see the next cease and desist letter in my mailbox now :)
Cape Cod: Where Old People Come To Die and Young People...well just don't go
Some of this blog will involve my journeys living on Cape Cod. For those of you who are international visitors
Cape Cod is a small man made island about an hour south of Boston. It is known as a place where wealthy white people "summer".
"I summer on Nantucket"
"I summer in Vinyard Haven"
"I summer in Osterville"
Summer, when used as a verb, is a distinctly WASPY term that led me to believe that living here would surround me with a plethora of beautifully botoxed women/men with one foot in the bank and one foot in the grave. I wasn't at all upset with prospect...I could just see our Christmas cards now.
"I summer on Nantucket"
"I summer in Vinyard Haven"
"I summer in Osterville"
Summer, when used as a verb, is a distinctly WASPY term that led me to believe that living here would surround me with a plethora of beautifully botoxed women/men with one foot in the bank and one foot in the grave. I wasn't at all upset with prospect...I could just see our Christmas cards now.
I had only been here in the summer, I had only seen the vibrant, touristy main streets with their little kitchy shops and salt water taffy stores. Imagine, being able to eat salt water taffy ALL YEAR!! I couldn't wait! I was moving there in January so in my mind, there would no crowds and I could have all the fun shopping to myself! Plus, if my plan works, my terminally ill, multi-millionaire centenarian and I could be on a boat to Monaco by mid-April!
Sadly, I was in for rude awakening.
What do you get when you move somewhere that people only visit 3 months a year? 9 months of desolation! Not just that, but I had no idea being an hour away from home could feel so different. I know what you're thinking...it can't be THAT different?! Less I remind you...Tucson was only an hour away from Phoenix and we all know how different that was.
It's....different.
There are no Thurston Howells to speak of, mostly Gilligans on this island on the off season. And while one would think that being from just a neighboring metropolis might actually be a good thing...they hate it!! They call you names! Now trust me, I have been called every name in the book and for the most part I pretty much earned them...but "wash ashore" no really, they call you a "wash ashore" because they think you don't belong here and like excess oil from the Exxon/Valdez spill you just happened upon their land...and they're right. Nobody belongs here year round. There is NOTHING TO DO!
Where was my salt water taffy? Closed until April
Where are friendly gays? In Ft. Lauderdale until May
Where are the 23-29 year old college graduates who are highly motivated to succeed and want to socialize in a manner that doesn't involve black tar heroin? Where?!
Fun side note: Black Tar Heroin (BTH) is the most coveted of all heroins for its potency and cheap sticker price. There are two places one can find BTH in abundance 1) Just south of Mexico City in the drug trade district of Iztapalapa and number 2? You guess it! CAPE COD!!
When asking one young couple why they love living on Cape Cod year round their response was and I quote:
"We don't have bears"
I'm sorry what? And yes, I let the obvious Ptown joke slide.
"Yea, bears can't cross the bridges. There was one a few years back, but other than that we don't have bears."
Are you fucking kidding me? You live somewhere with an insanely high crime rate because you think Yogi and Boo Boo aren't going to steal your picnic basket? Yogi and Boo Boo did make it over the bridge but sadly OD'd on the BTH they bought from the high school drop out at the rotary.
Oh, and by the way...you can move pretty much anywhere East of 495 and South of MAINE and not have to worry about bears...but I digress.
This is just a sampling of some of the fabulous conversations I've had with locals. That doesn't even include prize pigs (radio listeners who try and win EVERYTHING regardless of what it is or even if they need it...like the guy who entered online 54 times to win a gift basket from PLAYTEX) starfuckers (people who only date you because of who you are and what you can do for them like the dick who broke up with me after I introduced him Beyonce...and by right after I mean SECONDS AFTER) and your run of the mill wait outside for the liquor store to open at 10am on a Wednesday fun time crowd.
But there have been some really great things about living on Cape Cod that I can't wait to think of/share with you...
Sadly, I was in for rude awakening.
What do you get when you move somewhere that people only visit 3 months a year? 9 months of desolation! Not just that, but I had no idea being an hour away from home could feel so different. I know what you're thinking...it can't be THAT different?! Less I remind you...Tucson was only an hour away from Phoenix and we all know how different that was.
It's....different.
There are no Thurston Howells to speak of, mostly Gilligans on this island on the off season. And while one would think that being from just a neighboring metropolis might actually be a good thing...they hate it!! They call you names! Now trust me, I have been called every name in the book and for the most part I pretty much earned them...but "wash ashore" no really, they call you a "wash ashore" because they think you don't belong here and like excess oil from the Exxon/Valdez spill you just happened upon their land...and they're right. Nobody belongs here year round. There is NOTHING TO DO!
Where was my salt water taffy? Closed until April
Where are friendly gays? In Ft. Lauderdale until May
Where are the 23-29 year old college graduates who are highly motivated to succeed and want to socialize in a manner that doesn't involve black tar heroin? Where?!
Fun side note: Black Tar Heroin (BTH) is the most coveted of all heroins for its potency and cheap sticker price. There are two places one can find BTH in abundance 1) Just south of Mexico City in the drug trade district of Iztapalapa and number 2? You guess it! CAPE COD!!
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| Downtown Hyannis |
When asking one young couple why they love living on Cape Cod year round their response was and I quote:
"We don't have bears"
I'm sorry what? And yes, I let the obvious Ptown joke slide.
"Yea, bears can't cross the bridges. There was one a few years back, but other than that we don't have bears."
Are you fucking kidding me? You live somewhere with an insanely high crime rate because you think Yogi and Boo Boo aren't going to steal your picnic basket? Yogi and Boo Boo did make it over the bridge but sadly OD'd on the BTH they bought from the high school drop out at the rotary.
Oh, and by the way...you can move pretty much anywhere East of 495 and South of MAINE and not have to worry about bears...but I digress.
This is just a sampling of some of the fabulous conversations I've had with locals. That doesn't even include prize pigs (radio listeners who try and win EVERYTHING regardless of what it is or even if they need it...like the guy who entered online 54 times to win a gift basket from PLAYTEX) starfuckers (people who only date you because of who you are and what you can do for them like the dick who broke up with me after I introduced him Beyonce...and by right after I mean SECONDS AFTER) and your run of the mill wait outside for the liquor store to open at 10am on a Wednesday fun time crowd.
But there have been some really great things about living on Cape Cod that I can't wait to think of/share with you...
I'm so excited to tell you about my Cape Family, and what it's like to be introduced to your new mom at a sex toy party you didn't know she was throwing. Plus, what it's like to care for an 84 year old hilariously senile, sometimes incontinent disabled veteran who I affectionately call Lurch.
I'll update you on my Boston family (learning that your dad is secretly dating a television star)
What it's like to date a doctor, a cannibal, and a sociopath (respectively)
Being the GAYEST PERSON in the GAYEST TOWN in America
And shed some light on some really shitty people I haven't forgiven and want to put on blast for you all to hate.
Life's changed for me. I moved back to the East Coast, achieved a very interesting type of fame and ended up in porn...yup that happened too. So sit back, relax and enjoy The Glitter Blog...because shit just got a whole lot more interesting.
xoxo
Glitter
FOLLOW ME to get an inside scoop on next week's blog!
FOLLOW ME to get an inside scoop on next week's blog!
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| @ItsGlitterBitch |
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| @DjGlitter |
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