A Very Dirty Date

I hope everyone else who isn't on Cape Cod is enjoying your spring. Of the many things CC lacks (wealth, happiness, an Apple Store to name a few) Springtime isn't something this place has ever been good at. Now I know what you're going to say "OMG stop it! Nobody has had a "spring" it went from 30 to 90 in one week) and you're right...I'm NOT going to say that. What I AM going to say is that while it might be 72/73/80 degrees in our Northern and Southern neighbors...the Cape has what I like to call "the dark cloud" looming everyday over us in the physical and emotional. Don't just take my word my for it look at the pictures below taken THE EXACT SAME DAY!! 

May 3rd 2015 - Boston

May 3rd 2015 - The Gates of Hell 

Even this past winter, the old belief that "The Cape doesn't get as much snow as Boston because of the coastline" theory was proven true. We don't get AS MUCH snow...we get a whole fucking lot more! 

I blame Al Gore. But also thank him for inventing the internet so you can now enjoy this post...

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2 things you need to know about my life so that this blog makes sense. The first being...my father is Liam Neeason. By that I mean, he spent years running around foreign countries with a terrible accent and "dealing with" other people with terrible accents. Honestly, he hasn't been out the game long enough for me to elaborate but I'm working on selling the picture rights to Sony. Papa Glitter has asked that he be played by Donnie Wahlberg which is fine because I'm clearly asking that I get played by Beyonce since we have the same clothes. 

Starring Donnie Walhberg as Papa Glitter...with his current Hoe

Beyonce as Glitter and Solange as my always unnamed sister...sorry Ka

This "secret agent" mentality has left my father to be the absolute worst person to hide things from. Growing up, I "skipped class" one day to go see a movie with 2 friends. We skipped LAST PERIOD STUDY and drove with my friend's brother to the Randolph movie theater. We were SENIORS and my school actually let you leave that block. So technically, I didn't even skip school. But, I didn't tell my father I was leaving the premises. So what happened? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE THEY STOPPED IT. The lights went on and standing smack in front of the screen was good ol' Papa Glitter...looking as tho he found me in a brothel sticking a heroin needle into the soft spot of a new born baby's head. (he only has two emotions) 

So after that no, I didn't really feel like I could get away with too much. 

The second thing you must know is that I'm not what you would call a "tidy" person. Let me clarify. There is a difference between "messy" and "dirty". I am the former. Messy people like myself have no use for drawers because we are going take all of clean clothes, try them on several times in various combinations for music video purposes, pick none of them and go buy new clothes. The fore mentioned clothes are PERFECTLY CLEAN. Yes, they are scattered all around my room but it's MY ROOM! Growing up, I never understood why my mother would say "Go clean your room, we are having company"

I'm sorry, are you giving tours? Are we having canapes on my bed? Why do you want to show strangers your children's rooms? I never understood that logic. 

There are some people, like my sister and father who get ABSOLUTELY thrilled at the thought of cleaning things. My sister will often take her car to get it vacuumed twice a week and get's "anxiety" at the thought of sharing hotel rooms with me since she knows that in the first 3-5 minutes...I can make it look like the dressing room at a Marshall's after a spring sale. 

  

But that's not to say I won't take the appropriate measures to hide both my messiness, and my family. 

This story takes place one "sunny" day in Hyannis. I had just starting dating this guy and I had plans to pick him up after work for what he considered lunch but I, having been up since 3:30 in the morning, was thinking more along the lines of a midnight snack. He lived about 5 miles away from my work and my plan was simple.

-Leave work 10 minutes early

-Take all of my various outfits, shoes, backup outfits and cases of glitter out of my car

-Take my car to the car wash and vacuum it  

-Pick up date and act surprise he loves my car so much. 

This did NOT go as planned. Date texted me that had walked to my work to surprise me and motherfucker...I was surprised! For one thing, I don't like when dates come to my work it's just unsavory. For another thing, and this is something you'll notice next time you are on Alcatraz Cape Cod...we don't have sidewalks! No really, apart from your Main street and maybe a beach walkway...there a NO SIDEWALKS. This makes for several interesting sights including hitchhikers, moms running on main roads with strollers, and me behind my wheel swearing because I want to run them all over. 

I tell date to wait in the lobby and bolt out the back door. NO TIME TO HIDE THE CRAZY and I chuck everything into the "way back". I put all the empty water bottles in a bag, throw out receipts for anything showing I eat carbs and I douse the Caddy with some Axe body spray. PERFECT! I'm ready to go and he'll think I'm a health conscious recycler  who naturally smells like a 15 year old. This is going to be magic. 

The outside of the car was a different story, The Cape is home to many species of animals and like most things on the Cape, they have a tendency to OD and leave a mess. So my black car looked like a Monet of watercolors...if the pallet being used was bird shit. I drove up to the entrance and opened the door for date standing in front of the Bansky mural of feces while date hopped in. 

You get the idea

We drove up the street, making small talk about where to eat...anything carb conscious I say...the McDonald's receiptS shoved carefully in the console. 

"I just have to make a quick stop first" I say

"Where?" he asks? 

"I just have to run my car through the car wash. I'm just such a neat freak" and pathological liar but whatever 

"Ummm can't we just hose it off when we get back to my place?"

"Well I didn't know we were going your place...and no...I don't really know how to do that" 

I'm a lot of things...but one to do manual labor is not one of them. I had a quick vision of how that could work out...but I decided against it.

"It'll only take 5 minutes. This place is great!"

"Ok..." he looks a bit odd.

I don't want to bore you about how a car wash works in 2015 but let me just tell you that as we approached the guy waving you on...date started sweating. 

"Are you ok?" 

"I just really don't like car washes" 

"oooooook"

"I'll be fine"

"yes you will...because it's a car wash" 

I throw the car into neutral no break and we start our exciting 90 second journey. Date starts to freak the fuck out! 

"Omg omg I hate this" 

"You hate what?!"

"The carwash. The lights, the noises, the enclosed space"

"Ok...clearly we won't be going to Disney on our honeymoon...just close your eyes"

"NO! I KNOW WE ARE STILL IN HERE"

I have no idea what to do. Should I sing him a lullaby? Should I speak softly and tell him it's going to be alright!? I didn't have time.

"I HAVE TO GET OUT!"

"WHAT!? You can't get out! We are IN A FUCKING CAR WASH"

"LET ME OUT!!" He's frantically reaching for the door handle.

"No! You aren't opening my car in the middle of a car wa-" but he did. He opened the door to my car and RAN THROUGH THE REST OF THE CAR WASH. People are obviously starring at him and I am mortified. I finished my regularly scheduled programming and drove to pick date up. 

Date got back into my car SOAKING WET and asked to be driven home to change. I really didn't know what to do. I had to tell someone! I started texting my dad. "You won't believe what happened! this guy just got out of my car at [NAME OF CARWASH] and ran through the rest of it. How crazy is that?" My father texted back several minutes later. 

"Call me" 

That's his line. I don't know what's going to happen on the other end when I do but that's what I get for texting my dad. "Call Me". It's chilling. I told him I'd call him when Date went into his house and I did. Papa Glitter just started asking random questions. 

"What's he look like"

"Where did you meet him"

"What car wash was this?" 

Since my father is really good with the third degree and there is NO POINT in lying to him I told him we met at a bar a few weeks ago, went out once and now I just brought him home because his clothes are soaked because did I mention...he just ran through a car wash. 

My father is silent on the other end. "Are you at 343 Waterview Way?" 

WHAT THE FUCK?!!? Are you tapped into my OnStar?! Is that chip you had implanted behind my ear going off?!" HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE I AM!?!?! 

"You have to leave there. You are in danger." Now, for most people that would strike fear into their heart but honestly, my dad used to say that to me when I went to the Discovery Zone because he was afraid I'd get pink eye in the play pit. I told him I was fine and I would call him later. 

Date invites me in for a glass of wine and I cautiously accept. He barely shuts the door when I there is a loud knock. 

"THIS IS POLICE. OPEN THE DOOR" 

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 

Date tells me not to worry about it but doesn't answer the door. ummmm I've seen SVU I know how this shit is going to go down. I open the door. Apparently, Date wasn't afraid of car washes. He was afraid being at THIS car wash because just a week earlier he had ROBBED IT AT GUN POINT. I was questioned and told I could go leave and as I was driving away, watching my date who just hours earlier was saying sweet things into my iPhone and planning dates getting loaded into the back of the squad car I couldn't help but think...my father is an absolute freak...but I love him for it. As for date...maybe we can rain check for 5-10 when he posts bail. I can't be TOO picky these days ;) 

Suck My **ck

NECK!! You dirty dirty bastards!!

Hahaha you thought it was going to be something obscene didn't you? Eh, you're here you might as well read the blog :) #entrapment

Among the many characters that comprise my Cape Family, the one I have grown closest to in these past months is Billy. Billy is your typical high school senior, He plays lacrosse and hockey, eats ice cream for breakfast and doesn't gain a fucking pound...for now...oh just you wait...and dresses every day like he's auditioning to be a Vineyard Vines cover model

Very well could be his senior photo 

There are certain things I never knew about having this new younger brother. For one thing, I never really hung out with guys my age when I was 17/18 because well...they beat me up. So I was not privy to the general grossness that comes with being an adolescent socially adjusted teenage boy.

Item 1) They smell. Yes, I know...I'm sure I didn't have a natural eau de toilette emanating from me when I was senior but between the massive amounts of Abercrombie & Fitch Fierce I would bathe myself in, and all the Bath & Body Works Cucumber Melon body spray that would rub off from all the fag hags at drama hugging me...I never smelled bad. Teenage boys smell bad. Case closed.

So fresh and so clean 

Item 2) Free time. When I was in high school, my days were spent dodging bullies (see above) doing drama (see above) and spending my free time rehearsing intricately choreographed dance routines by Shakira and/or The Spice Girls with my sister and her friends, eating Chinese food, and watching The Princess Diaries. Needless to say, I wasn't considered cool. So I didn't actually know what the straight guys did when they weren't "playing sports" or "being invited to parties". I certainly didn't know about LOCK BOXING. What's that you say? You've never heard about lock boxing either? That's because I'm pretty sure it was invented by some homo at the end of the last decade to get his straight friends to take their clothes off and you know what...IT WORKED!!

So one day during my early months Billy has some friends over and there is general "rough housing" as my grandmother/I would put it. Kathy comes downstairs and very calmly suggests that the boys just go in the basement and lock box.

"ummm...what the F is that?" - during my early days I never swore out of respect for my new family so I actually said F.

"Oh...it's just something the boys do to relieve stress. It's so much fun! You should check it out!"

Again...these people were quite new to me and while I didn't want to seem rude and say "I'm good thanks" I CERTAINLY did not want to go into a basement with teenage boys who were going to relieve stress...I've seen to Catch A Predator I know how these things play out.

I said I'd go down if Kathy came with me...not my house...didn't want to get lost blah blah blah.

Kathy and I go into the basement and when I say I've seen some gay shit in my life...I'VE SEEN SOME GAY SHIT...but nothing could prepare me for what I was seeing. 4 high schoolers, no shirts, in a room with wall-to-wall mattresses...grappling.

My solo in Spice Up Your Life was less gay 

Item 3) I'm Old. It's one thing to have an actual brother you have seen grow up and learn about but when you just happen to get one by circumstance you quickly realize that while you still think you're
"young" and "hip"...when you get to be 28 and you're living with someone TEN YEARS YOUNGER than you...you quickly realize you are none of those things.

Fine, I can tutor Billy in History and English, help him with SAT shit and general life but I will say that kids today are NOTHING like they were 10 years ago. While I would enjoy the occasional school dance and point to the windoooooooows to the wall...kids today enjoy TRAP MUSIC. Trap Music, quick lesson, is TechnoRAP music. It's...well it's kind of awesome but it's not like I can actually try and enjoy it in the car with Billy since I'm sure I look like this:

IGDFR 

But this story is about the one thing that I have ABSOLUTELY ZERO ability help Billy with...something so foreign in my world that I my brain can't even make the necessary synapse links to process...GIRLS.

Billy is...I feel like slut is strong word so I'll rephrase...POPULAR. Billy is POPULAR with the ladies. While I do have many a story about accidentally finding Billy being POPULAR, I want to focus on this one because it's hilarious.

I'm sitting home late one night...around 6:30pm or so when Billy pulls into the driveway. He comes in the house looking frightened.

"Is anyone home?" he asks sheepishly.

"Just me and Josh". Josh is not an actual human but a brand of wine I affectionate refer to in the third person.

Baby boy you stay on my mind 

"Ok...I have a problem. Can we talk"

"Sure sport! What's got you down?" I instantly turn into a 50's TV Father.

"It's about my girlfriend...we are kind of in trouble. You can't tell anyone!"

"Dear sweet Jesus...Lordy lord" I instantly turn into Madea.

"She's in the car...she's scared to come in. Can she come inside?"

"I DON'T KNOW...DID YOU ASK WHEN YOU DID?!" I'm enraged at the thought of them getting to film Teen Mom 5: Cape Cod when I wouldn't even been featured.

"What are you talking about?"

"Girlfriend...in trouble...hello!?"

"No you idiot. She's not pregnant!"

"We need to really work on your delivery young man. Go get her,"

Girlfriend comes in and she looks horrified. I'm not sitting across from the two of them on the couch realizing that I went from a carefree childless existence...to mentoring wayward youth about various problems of the world.

"What's going on?"

Girlfriend takes off her giant scarf and reveals THE MOST DISGUSTING HICKEY I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!! I can't help but laugh.

"Ok...she has a hickey? What's the problem?"

"I can't bring her home like this! You have to do something!"

So by the way, while I do tutor Billy in English and History...he's CLEARLY failing Anatomy.

"What do you want me to do exactly?"

"I don't know...put some glitter on it to cover it up?"

"Touche you little shit. But I don't think it's going to help" Girlfriend is now crying.

Billy runs upstairs to Kathys bathroom and comes down with a makeup kit. He's frantically pulling out mascara, bronzer, and lip liner...thinking that those are all the same thing and that they will actually help.

Billy looks up like a light went off in his head! "I got it! You were just in a car accident right??"

"ummmm yes...where are you going with this?"

"ok...so...what if...I borrowed your neckbrace and Girlfriend wore it and she just told her mom she was in a car accident". I cannot make this shit up.

"Sooooo you want to scare her mother so badly at the thought that her teenage daughter would be in a bad enough car accident that she needed A NECK BRACE so that when you tell her it's just a hickey she'll be OK!?" Oh...he's also failing that AP Common Sense program they enrolled him in.

Girlfriend starts frantically apply pressed powder. What are they teaching kids in school today?!

"No...Girlfriend...you can't used pressed powder. You need an oil based concealer with a green base to offeset the purple pigments. Billy...go get my makeup case" FINALLY!! All those years in drama/helping drag queens/covering my own hickeys so I don't get sent out of sales meeting are PAYING OFF!

Billy gets my concealer and hands it to me "Here...put it on her"

Are you completely fucking stupid??! So when the mom DOES REALIZE her daughter has a hickey because...she has eyes, the daughter will then say that the random drunk gay guy that lives with her boyfriend tried to cover up by applying makeup to her neck?!?! Yup...I can see the After School Special on that one now. 

"No...you can do it"

Now...I don't have to tell you that they both thought this plan was fool proof and that the mother would never know. I also don't have to tell you that the mother noticed AS SOON AS SHE SAW HER and called the house asking to speak to Billy's parents. What I do have to tell you is that Billy told the mom that he was going to put his "older brother" on the phone...and then gave ME THE PHONE!

NO!  I mouthed to him as he chased me around. I'M NOT TALKING TO HER!

"PLEASE!!"

Ugh. "Hello. Mrs. Girlfriends Mom...yes I am aware...yes I did see...no I do not think it's appropriate...yes I do think they need more supervision...no I do understand...yes I am taking the matter very seriously ::sips wine:: ...no I am not drinking...yes I will have a talk with him...ok...thank you...you have a pleasant night"

"Go to your room. You're grounded."

"You can't ground me!"

"Oh yes I fucking can. Apparently, according to you and Girlfriend I'm your legal guardian so get the fuck to your room and you're not going out this weekend."

"This is so unfair!"

"Life's not fair. Deal with it"

Meh...kids...with mine it's all about showing them who is boss...and how to use make-up in the event of an emergency.

Eat Me

It should have come as no surprise that the dating pool on Cape Cod in the winter would remind you of Cherynobl. Nothing good is left over after the summer months and anything that is there is probably bad for your health. 

A/S/L?

Now, normally I don't subscribe to online dating since well...I've never needed it...but off season on Cape Cod required the Match.com Premium Package. Now don't get me wrong, I don't NEED a man. I consider myself a strong, highly educated, sometimes hilarious independent person.

But when you're waking up at 3:30am for work you are DONE WITH YOUR DAY by 2pm (that includes work, gym, food shopping and anything else you have to do) so I wasn't use to this much free time. 

Now granted, when you wake up so early your bedtime is roughly 7pm (8pm if you want to be CRAZY and watch both Wheel Of Fortune AND Jeopardy) but who am I Diddy? I can't be up wild'n' out all the time. But still, 5 hours of free time during daylight is a lot so the thought of maybe spending some of it with a like minded homosexual didn't piss me off. 

I was casually enjoying my post gym underwear dance party when my phone dings!

"CanalKid82 sent you a wink!"

HOT DAMN! Here we go! I check the pictures...he's cute...I read the profile...he's employed...hmmm enjoys reading...not really a turn on but I'll take it! 

We start chatting and all in all no red flags! What are the chances?! We set up a date and I ask him where he wants to go. I don't know the area so I'll be a gentleman and let him suggest where we go/pay.

He tells me about this Brazilian steakhouse and says it's the best food he's ever had. Clearly, the first thought that floated through my mind was...

Eh, throw caution to the wind.

As I arrive I find out he's much cuter in person than in his pictures. I feel slightly self conscious as I am the complete opposite. With the right lighting, filters, photoshop and angles I can look like a complete stud...when in reality...i'm a human cabbage patch doll. 

But first...lemme take a selfie! 

He's also REALLY nice! We start talking and he orders a bottle of wine saying it goes really good with the meat. It takes everything in my power not to make an obscene joke but TRUST me...it was brewing. 

We get to talking and the subject is on travel.

"Where's the best place you've ever been" he asks

"Probably Norway. It was such a beautiful country and the history and the food was incredible"

"OMG did you eat a grilled penis there?" 

"What?!"

"Oh, in Scandinavia they take the genitals of animals and grill them. It's a delicacy."

oh boy, here we go

"Nooooo...we had reindeer but I think it was just...not the penis"

Interesting statement but the food comes and I sip my mojito. I notice he's eating his food rather...maniacally. 

I said put it in your mouth

"Are you enjoying your food?" 

::TEARING INTO STEAK::

"I just LOVE red meat. It's just...ugh...it's the best"

easy tanto. It's already dead it's not going to run off your plate

At this point I've decided he's just an eccentric foodie and try to change the subject. 

"What do you do for work"


"I dissect samples for a medical research company. It's fascinating." 

Oh Jesus Christ I thought I was safe. Quick! change the subject again! This can't end well! 

"Oh awesome. I'm a radio DJ." 

"Really? So can I ask you a question?"

ok, here we go with the normal round of 'who is the most famous person you've ever met?' 'what's Kim Kardashian really like in person?' or some other inane q&a that comes with the job 

"Of course!"

"What do you think humans taste like?" 

"Well I was really starstruck when I met Mado- wait what?!"

"Yea, I mean, they always say humans taste like chicken, do you think that's true?" 

"Um...I never really thought about it"

"Really?! I think about it all the time! Especially at work. Sometimes, when they have to use some the equipment to burn skin I swear it smells like bacon. Would you ever try it?" 

ok, first off...don't EVER SPEAK THAT WAY ABOUT BACON AGAIN and second...what the fuckity fuck!?!

"Ummmmm no...probably not. Would you?"

"Oh absolutely!! I think it would be deeeeeelicious" 

he proceeded to do EXACTLY THIS:

DEEEEEELICIOUS

ok....ok...next subject 

"Do you have any siblings?" 

"No, I'm an only child"

fuck that. you probably had a twin and ate him

He then takes a break from his insane meat binge 

He asks me "so....you look like you work out"

finally!! a subject I'm more than willing to talk about...ME!! 

"I mean...I like to hit the gym when I can"

"Yea you have great pecs!"

ok...psychopath or not...man's got good taste 

"And that's what I'm saying...we have no problem eating chicken breast, what's the problem with eating human breast meat? Yours look like they'd feed more people than a chicken"

Did you just imply I have DDD's?! Are you serious. Wait, why am I mad about that fact and not the fact you just said you wanted to eat my breasts?!

"Yea no, I guess we don't eat people cuz...it's wrong?"

"Well to be fair, it's not WRONG...it's just SOCIALLY FROWNED UPON!"

NO! Peeing in public is socially frowned upon. Wearing yoga pants to the office is socially frowned upon...YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT EATING PEOPLE!! oh. my. god. I need to leave. I need to make a diversion and get away from this 32 year old, 9 on Cape Cod but probably a 3 in Boston, potential serial killer. Quick! Come up with something fast! Use your family as an excuse! 

"Soooooo I just got a text from my sister and I actually need to go home, she's not doing well." 

"You're phone's in your car?" 

fuck! I should have thought that plan through 

"Yeaaaa...it was before I came in. I've just been feeling bad."

"We've been here over an hour?!"

"I have a high tolerance for guilt but that bitch...she can get to me. SO NICE TO MEET YOU AND I'M SO SORRY TO HAVE TO LEAVE. Do you want some money?" 

"No, you can pay the next time I see you ::wink::" 

If I could, I would have ran out of the restaurant Looney Tunes style and just left a Glitter imprint on the wall. And to be honest I probably will see him again...on the news...when he's arrested for murdering his date and eating him. 

CALL ME MAYBE 

Nice try Match.com