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| A/S/L? |
Now, normally I don't subscribe to online dating since well...I've never needed it...but off season on Cape Cod required the Match.com Premium Package. Now don't get me wrong, I don't NEED a man. I consider myself a strong, highly educated, sometimes hilarious independent person.
But when you're waking up at 3:30am for work you are DONE WITH YOUR DAY by 2pm (that includes work, gym, food shopping and anything else you have to do) so I wasn't use to this much free time.
Now granted, when you wake up so early your bedtime is roughly 7pm (8pm if you want to be CRAZY and watch both Wheel Of Fortune AND Jeopardy) but who am I Diddy? I can't be up wild'n' out all the time. But still, 5 hours of free time during daylight is a lot so the thought of maybe spending some of it with a like minded homosexual didn't piss me off.
I was casually enjoying my post gym underwear dance party when my phone dings!
I was casually enjoying my post gym underwear dance party when my phone dings!
"CanalKid82 sent you a wink!"
HOT DAMN! Here we go! I check the pictures...he's cute...I read the profile...he's employed...hmmm enjoys reading...not really a turn on but I'll take it!
We start chatting and all in all no red flags! What are the chances?! We set up a date and I ask him where he wants to go. I don't know the area so I'll be a gentleman and let him suggest where we go/pay.
He tells me about this Brazilian steakhouse and says it's the best food he's ever had. Clearly, the first thought that floated through my mind was...
Eh, throw caution to the wind.
As I arrive I find out he's much cuter in person than in his pictures. I feel slightly self conscious as I am the complete opposite. With the right lighting, filters, photoshop and angles I can look like a complete stud...when in reality...i'm a human cabbage patch doll.
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| But first...lemme take a selfie! |
He's also REALLY nice! We start talking and he orders a bottle of wine saying it goes really good with the meat. It takes everything in my power not to make an obscene joke but TRUST me...it was brewing.
We get to talking and the subject is on travel.
"Where's the best place you've ever been" he asks
"Probably Norway. It was such a beautiful country and the history and the food was incredible"
"OMG did you eat a grilled penis there?"
"What?!"
"Oh, in Scandinavia they take the genitals of animals and grill them. It's a delicacy."
oh boy, here we go
"Nooooo...we had reindeer but I think it was just...not the penis"
Interesting statement but the food comes and I sip my mojito. I notice he's eating his food rather...maniacally.
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| I said put it in your mouth |
"Are you enjoying your food?"
::TEARING INTO STEAK::
"I just LOVE red meat. It's just...ugh...it's the best"
easy tanto. It's already dead it's not going to run off your plate
At this point I've decided he's just an eccentric foodie and try to change the subject.
"What do you do for work"
"I dissect samples for a medical research company. It's fascinating."
Oh Jesus Christ I thought I was safe. Quick! change the subject again! This can't end well!
"Oh awesome. I'm a radio DJ."
"Really? So can I ask you a question?"
ok, here we go with the normal round of 'who is the most famous person you've ever met?' 'what's Kim Kardashian really like in person?' or some other inane q&a that comes with the job
"Of course!"
"What do you think humans taste like?"
"Well I was really starstruck when I met Mado- wait what?!"
"Yea, I mean, they always say humans taste like chicken, do you think that's true?"
"Um...I never really thought about it"
"Really?! I think about it all the time! Especially at work. Sometimes, when they have to use some the equipment to burn skin I swear it smells like bacon. Would you ever try it?"
ok, first off...don't EVER SPEAK THAT WAY ABOUT BACON AGAIN and second...what the fuckity fuck!?!
"Ummmmm no...probably not. Would you?"
"Oh absolutely!! I think it would be deeeeeelicious"
he proceeded to do EXACTLY THIS:
ok....ok...next subject
"Do you have any siblings?"
"No, I'm an only child"
fuck that. you probably had a twin and ate him
He then takes a break from his insane meat binge
He asks me "so....you look like you work out"
finally!! a subject I'm more than willing to talk about...ME!!
"I mean...I like to hit the gym when I can"
"Yea you have great pecs!"
ok...psychopath or not...man's got good taste
"And that's what I'm saying...we have no problem eating chicken breast, what's the problem with eating human breast meat? Yours look like they'd feed more people than a chicken"
Did you just imply I have DDD's?! Are you serious. Wait, why am I mad about that fact and not the fact you just said you wanted to eat my breasts?!
"Yea no, I guess we don't eat people cuz...it's wrong?"
"Well to be fair, it's not WRONG...it's just SOCIALLY FROWNED UPON!"
NO! Peeing in public is socially frowned upon. Wearing yoga pants to the office is socially frowned upon...YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT EATING PEOPLE!! oh. my. god. I need to leave. I need to make a diversion and get away from this 32 year old, 9 on Cape Cod but probably a 3 in Boston, potential serial killer. Quick! Come up with something fast! Use your family as an excuse!
"Soooooo I just got a text from my sister and I actually need to go home, she's not doing well."
"You're phone's in your car?"
fuck! I should have thought that plan through
"Yeaaaa...it was before I came in. I've just been feeling bad."
"We've been here over an hour?!"
"I have a high tolerance for guilt but that bitch...she can get to me. SO NICE TO MEET YOU AND I'M SO SORRY TO HAVE TO LEAVE. Do you want some money?"
"No, you can pay the next time I see you ::wink::"
If I could, I would have ran out of the restaurant Looney Tunes style and just left a Glitter imprint on the wall. And to be honest I probably will see him again...on the news...when he's arrested for murdering his date and eating him.
Nice try Match.com
"What do you do for work"
"I dissect samples for a medical research company. It's fascinating."
Oh Jesus Christ I thought I was safe. Quick! change the subject again! This can't end well!
"Oh awesome. I'm a radio DJ."
"Really? So can I ask you a question?"
ok, here we go with the normal round of 'who is the most famous person you've ever met?' 'what's Kim Kardashian really like in person?' or some other inane q&a that comes with the job
"Of course!"
"What do you think humans taste like?"
"Well I was really starstruck when I met Mado- wait what?!"
"Yea, I mean, they always say humans taste like chicken, do you think that's true?"
"Um...I never really thought about it"
"Really?! I think about it all the time! Especially at work. Sometimes, when they have to use some the equipment to burn skin I swear it smells like bacon. Would you ever try it?"
ok, first off...don't EVER SPEAK THAT WAY ABOUT BACON AGAIN and second...what the fuckity fuck!?!
"Ummmmm no...probably not. Would you?"
"Oh absolutely!! I think it would be deeeeeelicious"
he proceeded to do EXACTLY THIS:
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| DEEEEEELICIOUS |
ok....ok...next subject
"Do you have any siblings?"
"No, I'm an only child"
fuck that. you probably had a twin and ate him
He then takes a break from his insane meat binge
He asks me "so....you look like you work out"
finally!! a subject I'm more than willing to talk about...ME!!
"I mean...I like to hit the gym when I can"
"Yea you have great pecs!"
ok...psychopath or not...man's got good taste
"And that's what I'm saying...we have no problem eating chicken breast, what's the problem with eating human breast meat? Yours look like they'd feed more people than a chicken"
Did you just imply I have DDD's?! Are you serious. Wait, why am I mad about that fact and not the fact you just said you wanted to eat my breasts?!
"Yea no, I guess we don't eat people cuz...it's wrong?"
"Well to be fair, it's not WRONG...it's just SOCIALLY FROWNED UPON!"
NO! Peeing in public is socially frowned upon. Wearing yoga pants to the office is socially frowned upon...YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT EATING PEOPLE!! oh. my. god. I need to leave. I need to make a diversion and get away from this 32 year old, 9 on Cape Cod but probably a 3 in Boston, potential serial killer. Quick! Come up with something fast! Use your family as an excuse!
"Soooooo I just got a text from my sister and I actually need to go home, she's not doing well."
"You're phone's in your car?"
fuck! I should have thought that plan through
"Yeaaaa...it was before I came in. I've just been feeling bad."
"We've been here over an hour?!"
"I have a high tolerance for guilt but that bitch...she can get to me. SO NICE TO MEET YOU AND I'M SO SORRY TO HAVE TO LEAVE. Do you want some money?"
"No, you can pay the next time I see you ::wink::"
If I could, I would have ran out of the restaurant Looney Tunes style and just left a Glitter imprint on the wall. And to be honest I probably will see him again...on the news...when he's arrested for murdering his date and eating him.
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| CALL ME MAYBE |
Nice try Match.com
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