A Very Dirty Date

I hope everyone else who isn't on Cape Cod is enjoying your spring. Of the many things CC lacks (wealth, happiness, an Apple Store to name a few) Springtime isn't something this place has ever been good at. Now I know what you're going to say "OMG stop it! Nobody has had a "spring" it went from 30 to 90 in one week) and you're right...I'm NOT going to say that. What I AM going to say is that while it might be 72/73/80 degrees in our Northern and Southern neighbors...the Cape has what I like to call "the dark cloud" looming everyday over us in the physical and emotional. Don't just take my word my for it look at the pictures below taken THE EXACT SAME DAY!! 

May 3rd 2015 - Boston

May 3rd 2015 - The Gates of Hell 

Even this past winter, the old belief that "The Cape doesn't get as much snow as Boston because of the coastline" theory was proven true. We don't get AS MUCH snow...we get a whole fucking lot more! 

I blame Al Gore. But also thank him for inventing the internet so you can now enjoy this post...

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2 things you need to know about my life so that this blog makes sense. The first being...my father is Liam Neeason. By that I mean, he spent years running around foreign countries with a terrible accent and "dealing with" other people with terrible accents. Honestly, he hasn't been out the game long enough for me to elaborate but I'm working on selling the picture rights to Sony. Papa Glitter has asked that he be played by Donnie Wahlberg which is fine because I'm clearly asking that I get played by Beyonce since we have the same clothes. 

Starring Donnie Walhberg as Papa Glitter...with his current Hoe

Beyonce as Glitter and Solange as my always unnamed sister...sorry Ka

This "secret agent" mentality has left my father to be the absolute worst person to hide things from. Growing up, I "skipped class" one day to go see a movie with 2 friends. We skipped LAST PERIOD STUDY and drove with my friend's brother to the Randolph movie theater. We were SENIORS and my school actually let you leave that block. So technically, I didn't even skip school. But, I didn't tell my father I was leaving the premises. So what happened? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE THEY STOPPED IT. The lights went on and standing smack in front of the screen was good ol' Papa Glitter...looking as tho he found me in a brothel sticking a heroin needle into the soft spot of a new born baby's head. (he only has two emotions) 

So after that no, I didn't really feel like I could get away with too much. 

The second thing you must know is that I'm not what you would call a "tidy" person. Let me clarify. There is a difference between "messy" and "dirty". I am the former. Messy people like myself have no use for drawers because we are going take all of clean clothes, try them on several times in various combinations for music video purposes, pick none of them and go buy new clothes. The fore mentioned clothes are PERFECTLY CLEAN. Yes, they are scattered all around my room but it's MY ROOM! Growing up, I never understood why my mother would say "Go clean your room, we are having company"

I'm sorry, are you giving tours? Are we having canapes on my bed? Why do you want to show strangers your children's rooms? I never understood that logic. 

There are some people, like my sister and father who get ABSOLUTELY thrilled at the thought of cleaning things. My sister will often take her car to get it vacuumed twice a week and get's "anxiety" at the thought of sharing hotel rooms with me since she knows that in the first 3-5 minutes...I can make it look like the dressing room at a Marshall's after a spring sale. 

  

But that's not to say I won't take the appropriate measures to hide both my messiness, and my family. 

This story takes place one "sunny" day in Hyannis. I had just starting dating this guy and I had plans to pick him up after work for what he considered lunch but I, having been up since 3:30 in the morning, was thinking more along the lines of a midnight snack. He lived about 5 miles away from my work and my plan was simple.

-Leave work 10 minutes early

-Take all of my various outfits, shoes, backup outfits and cases of glitter out of my car

-Take my car to the car wash and vacuum it  

-Pick up date and act surprise he loves my car so much. 

This did NOT go as planned. Date texted me that had walked to my work to surprise me and motherfucker...I was surprised! For one thing, I don't like when dates come to my work it's just unsavory. For another thing, and this is something you'll notice next time you are on Alcatraz Cape Cod...we don't have sidewalks! No really, apart from your Main street and maybe a beach walkway...there a NO SIDEWALKS. This makes for several interesting sights including hitchhikers, moms running on main roads with strollers, and me behind my wheel swearing because I want to run them all over. 

I tell date to wait in the lobby and bolt out the back door. NO TIME TO HIDE THE CRAZY and I chuck everything into the "way back". I put all the empty water bottles in a bag, throw out receipts for anything showing I eat carbs and I douse the Caddy with some Axe body spray. PERFECT! I'm ready to go and he'll think I'm a health conscious recycler  who naturally smells like a 15 year old. This is going to be magic. 

The outside of the car was a different story, The Cape is home to many species of animals and like most things on the Cape, they have a tendency to OD and leave a mess. So my black car looked like a Monet of watercolors...if the pallet being used was bird shit. I drove up to the entrance and opened the door for date standing in front of the Bansky mural of feces while date hopped in. 

You get the idea

We drove up the street, making small talk about where to eat...anything carb conscious I say...the McDonald's receiptS shoved carefully in the console. 

"I just have to make a quick stop first" I say

"Where?" he asks? 

"I just have to run my car through the car wash. I'm just such a neat freak" and pathological liar but whatever 

"Ummm can't we just hose it off when we get back to my place?"

"Well I didn't know we were going your place...and no...I don't really know how to do that" 

I'm a lot of things...but one to do manual labor is not one of them. I had a quick vision of how that could work out...but I decided against it.

"It'll only take 5 minutes. This place is great!"

"Ok..." he looks a bit odd.

I don't want to bore you about how a car wash works in 2015 but let me just tell you that as we approached the guy waving you on...date started sweating. 

"Are you ok?" 

"I just really don't like car washes" 

"oooooook"

"I'll be fine"

"yes you will...because it's a car wash" 

I throw the car into neutral no break and we start our exciting 90 second journey. Date starts to freak the fuck out! 

"Omg omg I hate this" 

"You hate what?!"

"The carwash. The lights, the noises, the enclosed space"

"Ok...clearly we won't be going to Disney on our honeymoon...just close your eyes"

"NO! I KNOW WE ARE STILL IN HERE"

I have no idea what to do. Should I sing him a lullaby? Should I speak softly and tell him it's going to be alright!? I didn't have time.

"I HAVE TO GET OUT!"

"WHAT!? You can't get out! We are IN A FUCKING CAR WASH"

"LET ME OUT!!" He's frantically reaching for the door handle.

"No! You aren't opening my car in the middle of a car wa-" but he did. He opened the door to my car and RAN THROUGH THE REST OF THE CAR WASH. People are obviously starring at him and I am mortified. I finished my regularly scheduled programming and drove to pick date up. 

Date got back into my car SOAKING WET and asked to be driven home to change. I really didn't know what to do. I had to tell someone! I started texting my dad. "You won't believe what happened! this guy just got out of my car at [NAME OF CARWASH] and ran through the rest of it. How crazy is that?" My father texted back several minutes later. 

"Call me" 

That's his line. I don't know what's going to happen on the other end when I do but that's what I get for texting my dad. "Call Me". It's chilling. I told him I'd call him when Date went into his house and I did. Papa Glitter just started asking random questions. 

"What's he look like"

"Where did you meet him"

"What car wash was this?" 

Since my father is really good with the third degree and there is NO POINT in lying to him I told him we met at a bar a few weeks ago, went out once and now I just brought him home because his clothes are soaked because did I mention...he just ran through a car wash. 

My father is silent on the other end. "Are you at 343 Waterview Way?" 

WHAT THE FUCK?!!? Are you tapped into my OnStar?! Is that chip you had implanted behind my ear going off?!" HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE I AM!?!?! 

"You have to leave there. You are in danger." Now, for most people that would strike fear into their heart but honestly, my dad used to say that to me when I went to the Discovery Zone because he was afraid I'd get pink eye in the play pit. I told him I was fine and I would call him later. 

Date invites me in for a glass of wine and I cautiously accept. He barely shuts the door when I there is a loud knock. 

"THIS IS POLICE. OPEN THE DOOR" 

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 

Date tells me not to worry about it but doesn't answer the door. ummmm I've seen SVU I know how this shit is going to go down. I open the door. Apparently, Date wasn't afraid of car washes. He was afraid being at THIS car wash because just a week earlier he had ROBBED IT AT GUN POINT. I was questioned and told I could go leave and as I was driving away, watching my date who just hours earlier was saying sweet things into my iPhone and planning dates getting loaded into the back of the squad car I couldn't help but think...my father is an absolute freak...but I love him for it. As for date...maybe we can rain check for 5-10 when he posts bail. I can't be TOO picky these days ;)