Hahaha you thought it was going to be something obscene didn't you? Eh, you're here you might as well read the blog :) #entrapment
Among the many characters that comprise my Cape Family, the one I have grown closest to in these past months is Billy. Billy is your typical high school senior, He plays lacrosse and hockey, eats ice cream for breakfast and doesn't gain a fucking pound...for now...oh just you wait...and dresses every day like he's auditioning to be a Vineyard Vines cover model
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| Very well could be his senior photo |
Item 1) They smell. Yes, I know...I'm sure I didn't have a natural eau de toilette emanating from me when I was senior but between the massive amounts of Abercrombie & Fitch Fierce I would bathe myself in, and all the Bath & Body Works Cucumber Melon body spray that would rub off from all the fag hags at drama hugging me...I never smelled bad. Teenage boys smell bad. Case closed.
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| So fresh and so clean |
Item 2) Free time. When I was in high school, my days were spent dodging bullies (see above) doing drama (see above) and spending my free time rehearsing intricately choreographed dance routines by Shakira and/or The Spice Girls with my sister and her friends, eating Chinese food, and watching The Princess Diaries. Needless to say, I wasn't considered cool. So I didn't actually know what the straight guys did when they weren't "playing sports" or "being invited to parties". I certainly didn't know about LOCK BOXING. What's that you say? You've never heard about lock boxing either? That's because I'm pretty sure it was invented by some homo at the end of the last decade to get his straight friends to take their clothes off and you know what...IT WORKED!!
So one day during my early months Billy has some friends over and there is general "rough housing" as my grandmother/I would put it. Kathy comes downstairs and very calmly suggests that the boys just go in the basement and lock box.
"ummm...what the F is that?" - during my early days I never swore out of respect for my new family so I actually said F.
"Oh...it's just something the boys do to relieve stress. It's so much fun! You should check it out!"
Again...these people were quite new to me and while I didn't want to seem rude and say "I'm good thanks" I CERTAINLY did not want to go into a basement with teenage boys who were going to relieve stress...I've seen to Catch A Predator I know how these things play out.
I said I'd go down if Kathy came with me...not my house...didn't want to get lost blah blah blah.
Kathy and I go into the basement and when I say I've seen some gay shit in my life...I'VE SEEN SOME GAY SHIT...but nothing could prepare me for what I was seeing. 4 high schoolers, no shirts, in a room with wall-to-wall mattresses...grappling.
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| My solo in Spice Up Your Life was less gay |
Item 3) I'm Old. It's one thing to have an actual brother you have seen grow up and learn about but when you just happen to get one by circumstance you quickly realize that while you still think you're
"young" and "hip"...when you get to be 28 and you're living with someone TEN YEARS YOUNGER than you...you quickly realize you are none of those things.
Fine, I can tutor Billy in History and English, help him with SAT shit and general life but I will say that kids today are NOTHING like they were 10 years ago. While I would enjoy the occasional school dance and point to the windoooooooows to the wall...kids today enjoy TRAP MUSIC. Trap Music, quick lesson, is TechnoRAP music. It's...well it's kind of awesome but it's not like I can actually try and enjoy it in the car with Billy since I'm sure I look like this:
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| IGDFR |
Billy is...I feel like slut is strong word so I'll rephrase...POPULAR. Billy is POPULAR with the ladies. While I do have many a story about accidentally finding Billy being POPULAR, I want to focus on this one because it's hilarious.
I'm sitting home late one night...around 6:30pm or so when Billy pulls into the driveway. He comes in the house looking frightened.
"Is anyone home?" he asks sheepishly.
"Just me and Josh". Josh is not an actual human but a brand of wine I affectionate refer to in the third person.
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| Baby boy you stay on my mind |
"Sure sport! What's got you down?" I instantly turn into a 50's TV Father.
"It's about my girlfriend...we are kind of in trouble. You can't tell anyone!"
"Dear sweet Jesus...Lordy lord" I instantly turn into Madea.
"She's in the car...she's scared to come in. Can she come inside?"
"I DON'T KNOW...DID YOU ASK WHEN YOU DID?!" I'm enraged at the thought of them getting to film Teen Mom 5: Cape Cod when I wouldn't even been featured.
"What are you talking about?"
"Girlfriend...in trouble...hello!?"
"No you idiot. She's not pregnant!"
"We need to really work on your delivery young man. Go get her,"
Girlfriend comes in and she looks horrified. I'm not sitting across from the two of them on the couch realizing that I went from a carefree childless existence...to mentoring wayward youth about various problems of the world.
"What's going on?"
Girlfriend takes off her giant scarf and reveals THE MOST DISGUSTING HICKEY I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!! I can't help but laugh.
"Ok...she has a hickey? What's the problem?"
"I can't bring her home like this! You have to do something!"
So by the way, while I do tutor Billy in English and History...he's CLEARLY failing Anatomy.
"What do you want me to do exactly?"
"I don't know...put some glitter on it to cover it up?"
"Touche you little shit. But I don't think it's going to help" Girlfriend is now crying.
Billy runs upstairs to Kathys bathroom and comes down with a makeup kit. He's frantically pulling out mascara, bronzer, and lip liner...thinking that those are all the same thing and that they will actually help.
Billy looks up like a light went off in his head! "I got it! You were just in a car accident right??"
"ummmm yes...where are you going with this?"
"ok...so...what if...I borrowed your neckbrace and Girlfriend wore it and she just told her mom she was in a car accident". I cannot make this shit up.
"Sooooo you want to scare her mother so badly at the thought that her teenage daughter would be in a bad enough car accident that she needed A NECK BRACE so that when you tell her it's just a hickey she'll be OK!?" Oh...he's also failing that AP Common Sense program they enrolled him in.
Girlfriend starts frantically apply pressed powder. What are they teaching kids in school today?!
"No...Girlfriend...you can't used pressed powder. You need an oil based concealer with a green base to offeset the purple pigments. Billy...go get my makeup case" FINALLY!! All those years in drama/helping drag queens/covering my own hickeys so I don't get sent out of sales meeting are PAYING OFF!
Billy gets my concealer and hands it to me "Here...put it on her"
Are you completely fucking stupid??! So when the mom DOES REALIZE her daughter has a hickey because...she has eyes, the daughter will then say that the random drunk gay guy that lives with her boyfriend tried to cover up by applying makeup to her neck?!?! Yup...I can see the After School Special on that one now.
"No...you can do it"
Now...I don't have to tell you that they both thought this plan was fool proof and that the mother would never know. I also don't have to tell you that the mother noticed AS SOON AS SHE SAW HER and called the house asking to speak to Billy's parents. What I do have to tell you is that Billy told the mom that he was going to put his "older brother" on the phone...and then gave ME THE PHONE!
NO! I mouthed to him as he chased me around. I'M NOT TALKING TO HER!
"PLEASE!!"
Ugh. "Hello. Mrs. Girlfriends Mom...yes I am aware...yes I did see...no I do not think it's appropriate...yes I do think they need more supervision...no I do understand...yes I am taking the matter very seriously ::sips wine:: ...no I am not drinking...yes I will have a talk with him...ok...thank you...you have a pleasant night"
"Go to your room. You're grounded."
"You can't ground me!"
"Oh yes I fucking can. Apparently, according to you and Girlfriend I'm your legal guardian so get the fuck to your room and you're not going out this weekend."
"This is so unfair!"
"Life's not fair. Deal with it"
Meh...kids...with mine it's all about showing them who is boss...and how to use make-up in the event of an emergency.
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